by Zoe Summers
Listen, I know, winter is hard. Especially if you’re single. Not only do you look fat in all those layers, you may even have to pull on those (dare I suggest it?) incredibly unflattering UGG boots to keep your toes warm on treks through the cold and damp city streets. Yikes. And although you don’t want to bitch (puh-lease) about being alone for those bitterest of nights when no one will venture out of their bedrooms, the alternative of shacking up with Mr. So-Incredibly-Far-From-Perfect sounds like the most miserable self-betraying idea you’ve ever had.
Save it. Taking a winter boyfriend isn’t turning your back on true love (didn’t we already do that years ago when we moved to this city?). It is merely a temporary relief from feeling cold and lonely all winter. And besides, without a winter boyfriend, no matter how imperfect, think about all those feelings you’d be eating instead of burning! It’s a win-win for everybody. It is also a completely acceptable and widely practiced affair. We may not talk about it as openly as we ought to, but believe me when I say everybody knows somebody who did it this winter (or somebody who seriously should have). And do not despair when considering the opinions friends and acquaintances will voice about your decision to take said Winter Boyfriend: he is by no means a reflection of your perfectly sophisticated character. (Hint: no one is gonna bust your balls if he isn’t the loaded, intelligent, devilishly handsome, bad-boy we all know you are saving yourself for.) We get it: twenty degrees and freezing your romantic ass off means an inherent lowering of standards.
But beware. These same winter standards do not (repeat, do not) trickle over to spring. And seeing as the wonderful season of mini-dresses, sling-back heels, outside brunches, and social gatherings on rooftops is soon to be upon is (thank f’ing god), it is time to kick not only some serious clothing, but also the make-do man. Yes, he was sweet—if incredible nauseating—spoon-feeding you steaming hot chocolate hot chocolate while watching Woody Allen movies. (Clamp hand over mouth so as not to release ear-piercing scream of disgust and congratulate self heartily for not actually sleeping outside on sidewalk to escape.) But honestly. Be nice. He didn’t know that he wasn’t what you wanted, and you certainly were in no position to tell him before now, so before you go and serve him up the serious ego-crush he doesn’t in fact deserve, here’s a “How To” to make him think he’s leaving you. Brilliant…I know:
1. Name his penis something girly. Like Princess, Froo-Froo, or BooBookins.
2. Obsess about the future over and over and over again. Tell him you’d absolutely DIE if he took you to London or Paris for Easter.
3. Never shave your legs. When he points it out, use his brand new razor and leave it full of hair.
4. Cry after sex. Every. Time.
5. Tell him it’s time you were honest with him. Then become the first woman—ever—to actually tell her boyfriend exactly how many dudes she’s slept with.
6. Call repeatedly. If he is the one repeatedly calling, the rule is switched: never answer your phone. Then never call him back.
7. Refuse to tie him up and play Mob King and Moll because you don’t want to “trivialize your love.” This also means no other fun with Cowboys and Indians, Slaveboy and Empress, burlesque dancer, and pre-WWII Berlin guru, etc. No fun.
8. Take yourself really, really, reallyyyyyy seriously. No laughing. I mean it. None at all. Really.
9. After a part, refer to every woman he chatted with as a “slut.” If it was an uppity party refer to them as “famous sluts” and “common” or “normal sluts” just for kicks.
10. Always forget your wallet. Always.
11. End fights mumbling under your breath, “you’re an idiot just like your father.”
12. Tell him either his stupid dog goes…or you do. Pet doggy out of sight to make sure dog spirit is not broken.
13. Make him listen to The Vagina Monologues when you are driving to visit friends on the Island.
14. Call his mom up “just to chat.”
15. Invite his mom to lunch…just to chat.
16. If you went to a better college than him, don’t ever let him forget it. This also applies to career, fashion sense, and exes.
17. When he wants to know, “How’s. that. make. you. feel, baby?!,” respond truthfully with, “I’ve had better.”
18. Constantly ask, “So, where do we stand?”
19. Never laugh at his jokes.
20. Burst into tears during commercials with babies in them. Then look longingly at him.
21. Constantly think up things to fight about. “Are you actually going to wear those shoes in public?”
22. When you run out of things to fight about, criticize his mother.
23. Invite your hottest girlfriend to lunch with the two of you. Kick him under the table around twenty-three times.
24. Tell him you can’t have sex because you’re “bleeding fucking ovarian wall.”
25. Text him ninety-two times in one day. You can do it; thumb exercise!
26. Organize the closet when he’s at work.
A few of these should send Winter Boyfriend running (quickly) into the arms of a new spring fling; use them all and he just might run from women for the rest of his life (and you wouldn’t want tot disappoint some lucky, lucky girl who is holding her breath for that perfect man to wipe hot chocolate foam from her lips and watch Annie Hall with her). But now with your Winter Boyfriend kicked to the curb (finally!) it’s time for you to welcome spring with a little freshness of your own. So make eyes at the cute guy across the bar, pair those spiked heels with the shortest dress you can get away with, and remember to throw two sheets two the wind, baby. Spring has sprung