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Bitch – PW 2015

by devnym

The Early Worm catches the Bird

A friendly bit of PA for all those people who seem not to understand how hours of operation work: THEY’RE NOT SUGGESTIONS. This place opens at 8am on Sunday. EIGHT. I don’t care, Mr. Member, if you unfailingly stand in front of these doors at 7:30am every week. I’m here early so that I can set up the gym to receive its members; not so that you can come in for an extra half an hour that we don’t owe you, because WE’RE NOT OPEN. Do you come in anyway? Oh, yes, you’re in practically on my heels, sighing heavily like I’ve inconvenienced you by letting you in before the gym is actually open. We go through this routine every Sunday. You don’t get to play beleaguered paying member should I show up at 7:45 instead of 7:30 –  I’M STILL NOT LATE AND WE’RE STILL NOT OPEN. And you CERTAINLY don’t get to stand over me whining about unacceptability should I manage to get in before you and lock the doors behind me so people can’t waltz in when they feel like it. We open at 8, fuckers, and consider yourself lucky that I open the doors five minutes before. Eloise, actress, Ft Tryon

Penal Transportation

What is the point of Buses that read, “NOT IN SERVICE?” Does the MTA transit department take some small pleasure in passing the hardworking citizens of New York City anxiously waiting for their bus? When they see that giant mechanical insect on the horizon, they feel that rush of relief like a drug addict who’s finally getting their fix. Their patience has paid off, for they will soon be heading to their destination. But their solace is ripped from their souls when they suddenly realize that their confidence in MTA officials has all been in vain because the bus that they thought was intended for their journey turned out NOT to be their bus. It dawns on them that that particular mode of public transit isn’t transporting ANYONE!!! It’s basically taking up an already crowded street and contributing to the metropolis’s pollution for no other reason than to figuratively give the middle finger to everyone waiting at the bus stop saying, “Later, bitches.” Troy, pr, UES.

Wudda Cudda Shudda

All talk and no action make for a regretful existence. All your thoughts begin out as, “I want to…” but overtime, those unfulfilled desires become, “I should have…”. Don’t turn your present wish list into your future bucket list. Make it happen now. If not for pure spontaneity than for everyone else in your life who is sick and fucking tired of hearing you bitch about how much you want to go to Thailand and then splurge $500 on a Michael Kors shopping spree and complain that you never have enough money for trips like that! Take some responsibility. Then take action. There will always be roadblocks in your life, so start making the strides to override those obstacles before there’s a wall so big you can’t climb over–like kids, or the zombie apocalypse. Joan, teacher, SI

They Fuck ME Up, Your Mum and Dad

Parents of the World: Your iPhone is not a pacifier. Your iPad is not a blankie. If you can’t figure out that your little thing keeps talking because it is unhappy because it’s being made to sit through the loud movie you’ve been dying to see (and DISTURBING EVERYONE IN THE THEATER), you aren’t fit to be a parent. And if I see another streaming laptop while I’m eating at a nice restaurant, I’m going to up-end your table. I’m sorry you chose to burden yourselves with a small thing that cries, screams, and wiggles a lot, but that was your choice and now you have to make some sacrifices. And sacrifices mean that if you can’t get a babysitter, you may not be able to go to that new Thai place that opened up last month. Bringing the ankle-biter and sticking a movie in front of it doesn’t make your child any more pleasant to be around – and having to listen to the movie play is NOT what I’m looking for while I’m trying to eat with my friends. If your kid is at that stage where they don’t enjoy eating out, guess what? Too. Damn. Bad. Rich, seaman, South Street Seaport

Your Singing is a Pain

This is New York City. When we moved here, we mentally signed an unspoken contract that laid out the daily obstacles we would face in the city. There will always be lines at Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. Times Square is reserved for tourists, cartoon characters, and the Naked Cowboy. Finally, you will frequently become irrationally angry at slow walkers, loud neighbors, and screaming children who mildly disrupt your current quality of life to the point of near suicide, homicide, or combination of the two. New Yorkers put up with a lot. But one thing we absolutely will NOT abide by, nor should we have to, is singing on public transit. I don’t care if you have headphones in your ears. I don’t care if the whole damn train has headphones in their ears. You don’t sing while riding public transit. Save that for the shower, dancing in your bedroom, or when you’re doing karaoke. If you have your headphones in, you’re going to sing even louder so you can hear yourself; because us humans have a subconscious need to hear the sound of our own voice. But that does not mean that everyone else in the general vicinity of you needs to hear your gibberish. So shut the fuck up, and let me travel in peace. Sandy, retail, Dobbs Ferry

You’re Fired… almost certainly

Oh come on! By the time this is in print Donald Trump will once again be a figure of fun on reality tv or the US will be a figure of fun in the world because he is well on his way to securing the Republican nomination for the General Election with a shot at being elected President of the United States of America.

This is Donald Trump for goodness sake. A megalomaniac billionaire, a sort of high-end bar bully with an opinion (usually totally uninformed) who splutters away about everything and says absolutley nothing… about anything. But hey, this is America, money talks over the top of everybody and, in many many voters’ eyes, might is, and godammit should be, right.  But Washington seems to have ground to a halt hence this support for a strong outsider who will kick ass all along the corridors of power.  I guess somebody will tell him there is another world  besides reality tv (there are clever  people out there who understand the complicated world and that the checks and balances put in place by the Founders are to safeguard us from  the likes of him and his ilk. Besides how will he approach every domestic, international, financial, racial, humanitarian crisis he would face as Chief Executive? Kick Ass!  Really? Campaign financing in the US needs fundamental reform. Jonathan, management, Tribeca

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