The fun of weddings – apart from seeing good friends pledge their troth for all time – is to get into as much trouble as possible! And that’s everything the phrase implies. With more states in the Union catching up to the 21st century (let’s face it some never will) we have just unleashed unbridled mayhem on Aunt Beckie –and she’s loving it.
Hurrah! Hurray! Bust out the confetti and strike a pose! Gay marriage has finally passed in New York State and not a moment too soon (the Vanderbilts have really been putting the pressure on me and Anderson lately.) Thanks to the hard work of brave individuals, New York is finally one of the few, proud states in the Union that allows same-sex couples the right to be just as burdened as their hetero brethren.
But in the midst of all the celebration, we must remind ourselves that our work is far from over. Sure, there are other states to battle and legislature to pass, but more importantly there’s party planning to sort out! It seems miniscule in the grand scheme of things, but traditional wedding etiquette has been around since the time of Emily Post – we homos got some details to iron out and fast! Which person throws the bouquet? Who walks down the aisle? Is it too soon to wear Whitney drag? After decades of lobbying for marriage rights, we gays have got to get our acts together!
Which is why I’ve taken the liberty of giving you the dish on how all this gay wedding business is going to go down; a rundown on how gender specific wedding traditions will work in a same-sex situation. Because the devil’s in the details people; let’s leave the sinners on the other sides of the picket lines.
The Walk Down The Aisle
Traditional wedding etiquette dictates that the bride walks down the aisle towards the groom, which obviously gets complicated in a same sex pairing. Now take it from me when I say there’s only one way to sort this situation out so grab your heels, blast some En Vogue, and meet me on the streets: cuz it’s a motherf*ckin’ walk off, y’all! What – did I stutter?! That’s right, we’re having a choppin’ and moppin’, voguin’ and poppin’, Jaslene-you-are-America’s-Next-Top-Model style walk off! And why not? Catwalking down the aisle is a privilege not a right, so it’s bogus in traditional weddings that the bride always gets to walk – did anyone even check if the groom could give us more couture? Please. In a gay wedding, the one to walk down the aisle must be the person with the best walk, and that can only be determined in a good old-fashioned walk-off. Contestants (i.e. the engaged) will be judged on fierceness, realness, and overall swag, and if you don’t plan on giving face don’t even bother showing up. The winner will receive the right to walk down the aisle, a photo shoot with world-renowned photographer Gil Ben-Simon, and the title of America’s Next Top Newlywed.
Who Pays for It?
In traditional weddings, the bride’s family pays for the wedding while the groom’s family pays for the rehearsal dinner. In a same-sex wedding, my husband’s family will pay for everything.
The Bridal/Grooms Parties
Bridesmaids and Groomsmen are staples at any wedding, but same sex weddings throw an obvious wrench in the system. Do two grooms leave us with two sets of groomsmen? Or worse – do two brides give us dueling sets of bridesmaids?! Gah! Make it stop! Too many jewel tones, so much faux satin! Hell no, we can’t let that happen! But in lieu of groomsmen and bridesmaids, who exactly makes up a gay wedding party? Y’all know how to tuck? You heard me, I’m talking about drag queens. Yes, those of us getting gay-married must hire drag queens to be our groomsmen and our bridesmaids – at the same amned time. Shoot. But this is unfair, you might object. I want my friends and loved ones with me on my big day, not a random group of cross dressers! Well tough luck, kiddo, we got to think critically. Assembling a wedding party is like putting together a dream sports team and straight people got that shit down pat. They have the best man as QB, a supporting group of offensive groomsmen. They have a defensive line of jaded bridesmaids. These fuckers even have matching uniforms, I mean, it’s like the goddamn Olympics on the straight side of the fence! Now what does a gay wedding party look like? Is it mixed-gendered? Multi-generational? Maybe you have your sisters, your dog’s masseuse, your lesbian Wiccan priestess? Come on, gays, give me a break! Co-ed isn’t threatening – we’re not playing kickball or badminton here. This is a goddamned wedding and we have to win, I tell ya, win! If we’re going to compete with the straights we have to use our best assets, and drag queens fit the bill. Because I dare you to piss off a queen and make it out alive. I triple dog dare you. Besides, drag queens are great! They make you feel good about yourself, they make you laugh, and I guarantee they’ll do your make up better than any of your friends ever could.
Every wedding needs a dress. Quote. Cut. Print. I don’t care if you’re getting married in a barn, if you don’t round that haystack with a couture gown reveal then I’m leaving. The wedding dress is the most anticipated event at any zedding, and the tradition must be honored, regardless of gender. That’s right, gay men, you aren’t getting out of this one so easy. At a gay wedding, unless one of the grooms is willing to wear a gown (in which case, fabulous!) one of the wedding guests must be selected to don an extravagant piece of couture. Sisters, mothers, and potential Asian surrogates of the couple are all viable options to wear the coveted dress. If no female at the wedding is up for the challenge, puppies may also be substituted. First off, gays love puppies, and second, oh my god, how adorable is that? Lesbians on the other hand, have the best luck. Not only are they more lax about grooming, they also have the option of revealing two dresses at their weddings.
Unfair! So long as both brides agree to play nice, the reveal of two dresses can be a hoot, especially if the women coordinate their ensembles. I mean, do you even remember how great it was when Destiny’s Child dressed alike? You better pray Tina Knowles makes cowboy-fringed wedding gowns. A word of warning, though. As great as the lesbian-double dress reveal can be, it can also be rife with competition. If your partner starts making side comments about how your dress “carves out a waist” or “hides your chunky arms” then you better switch to a tasteful Ellen DeGeneres suit fast ‘cause homegirl is out for blood. Actually, at that point you should ditch the suit altogether and get yourself a new fiancé. Yours sounds like a total bitch.
The Throwing of the Bouquet
Typically the bride throws the bouquet at a wedding, but for gay weddings Isuggest that both of the engaged do it, regardless of gender. It’s your wedding and your day – why not have double the fun? To celebrate this break from tradition, same sex couples should also create a new set of rules for the bouquet toss. No longer will the person who catches it be the next to get married, but rather, the next to turn gay (surprise surprise, y’all: it’s a choice!) This new twist to an old party classic is sure to add an extra dose of surprise to any wedding, and also answer a lot of questions about that younger, sexually ambiguous nephew you’ve been wondering about.
So there you have it, homos, a new list of wedding traditions for this very in vogue, ultra-modern world we all live in. I hope you realize this means I get invited to all your weddings, right? Great. And I will be using my plus one so don’t even think about pulling a fast one on me. Can’t wait!
I hope this guide has served you well, but don’t be a stickler to the rules! Go out of the box, girl, it’s your day! If you want a whole damn fashion show of bridal couture then by God, I salute you. (I’m tearing up, y’all!) And if you’re out of ideas you can always get the drag queens to perform a rousing lip-sync to Lady Gaga and Beyonce’s “Telephone,” complete with patriotic streamers and red, white, and blue bikinis. Because we’re not living in a Puritan state anymore, people – this here is A’murkah. Let freedom ring, betch.