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only the yoni

by devnym

Ladies, it’s time to put your private parts on lock. I’m talking Lysistrata-style, full-on shutdown. Just pretend you’re the federal government last October and phone it in! Hell, strikes get shit done all the time in Europe, why don’t we give it a go? I can picture it now: there would be riots in the streets and the porn sites will buffer until the end of time as men try to keep their sanity. No more fun for anyone until we can finally claim our reproductive capacities as our own, dammit!

OK, so while a sex lockout may not be the most realistic solution to our country’s most infuriating problem, I think we can all agree that something has got to give.

Bodily autonomy has been a women’s issue since Roe v. Wade in 1973 and a contentious uphill battle against the Republican party since the eighties–Thanks again, Reagan. And despite a movement towards public acceptance of abortion in popular media, like that badass NYT wedding announcement last year or this summer’s comedy Obvious Child, the fight has never been so dire. Remember when Mitt Romney promised he would “get rid of” Planned Parenthood two years ago, despite the fact that contrary to propaganda, Planned Parenthood is not simply an “abortion clinic”? He’s not the first to want to do this, as dozens of TRAP (Targeted Regulation of Abortion Providers) laws have sprung up all over the country, taking aim against the people who aim to keep abortions safe and legal for women.

In June, the Massachusetts Supreme courts  did away with a law allowing for buffer zones around women’s health clinics. Which is pretty much just inviting pro-life protestors to harass women potentially seeking completely legal procedures all the way up to the front door. Nice, right?

Then came the Hobby Lobby decision on the tip of everyone’s tongue, making it totally legal for for-profit businesses to deny their employees insured access to contraceptive care. Congratulations, corporations, on your newfound personhood! Can we also talk about the fact that Viagra is still covered under Hobby Lobby’s revised Affordable Care Act? Not gonna need those boners when we shut our vaginas down for business, you bunch of old, impotent losers.

And now, the American College of Physicians is challenging the practice of annual pelvic exams, also known as every woman’s favorite day of the year…not. Like, are you kidding me? Do you know how long I’ve spent sitting in stirrups for no reason? And we’re just now figuring out it’s all for nothing? Perhaps it’s better to air on the side of caution, but I don’t get why it took so long for someone to really look into this. I can’t help but feel like it just wasn’t a priority.

Ladies, your yonis are under attack, and it’s totally bull. I’m totally joking when I advocate us all turning to vibrators and banning all men from sex until our government decides to get its shit together, but rest assured that I’m serious as a heart attack when I say that it’s time for a change.

By Allee Manning

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